No mother sets out to discourage her children.
No one wakes up saying,
“I hope to fluster my children today and make them feel inadequate.”
or, “I will allow my kids to determine the way I speak to them. I will decide what tone of voice to use based on whether they are compliant and well-behaved.”
Of course we don’t think that way! And yet, that is what we often communicate in a day’s time.
We’ve had some challenging days around here. There have been long hours poring over math problems, hard moments in relationships, quiet periods of soul-searching, fervent times of prayer, and determined strides made towards recovering from this remodeling chaos we are so grateful for, but so weary from. Challenging circumstances and stretching situations in life may be the context of your current discouragement, but simply cannot stand as excuses for discouraging your children. We have a choice. As Moses said in Psalm 90, “the best of our days are but trouble and sorrow…”
We can’t wait for life to get easier to look honestly at whether we are an encouragement or discouragement to children.
I recently asked my kids to tell me what things I have done that discourage them. I humbly share some of their insights…
Ways I’ve discouraged my kids:
- Roll my eyes.
- Repeat myself over and over with a condescending voice.
- Cut my children off when they attempt to speak.
- Complain about my kids to others.
- Be quick to point out faults.
Not discouraging our children is about us, not about our children’s behavior; it is about changing ourselves as mothers. It is not so much a matter of what we say but the attitude in which we say it. Because none of us purpose to be a discouraging mother at the start of the day, choosing not to be is one of intentionality and purposing to BE ENCOURAGING.
Conversely, here are 5 simple ways I can encourage my kids:
You are not a discouraging mom if you speak truth, if you correct and train. It is not discouraging to say the hard things. But, let us remember that Jesus did all these with love and gentleness; He spoke with a goal to edify and not to tear down. If you, like me, come to the end of some days regretting much of your tone or attitude towards your children, take heart …God’s grace is for our failures. The blood of Christ is not for the perfect, but for the desperate sinner.
It is not too late to stop discouraging. It is not too late to start encouraging…to set aside your own achy mom feet and dirty sandals, and do as Jesus–and wash another’s feet. It may be your children’s feet that you wash, serving them by purposing to not discourage but encourage, as they learn to walk this day. Through Him and for His glory.
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Now let’s link up in community…
Welcome to GraceLaced Mondays, a link up dedicated to sharing any and all blog posts by like-minded lovers of grace–God’s grace! Grace is found in the everyday when you are intentional about taking note of it…and I invite you to share your story, great or small, of how everyday moments are full of Grace.
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This is one of the best blog posts I’ve read in a while. I love how to shared that it discouraged your children when you complained about them to others. It is easy to fall into that trap of “gossiping” about our children to others…and I really do think it is gossip, when it really isn’t anyone’s business that our children misbehave (and I do this quite often…and feel very convicted about it!). Thank you so much for this post. I shared it on FB. I am going to work much harder at encouraging my children. Thank you for sharing your story and for hosting.
Thank you. There is so much benefit in seeking wise counsel about our children, but when we simply complain and feel sorry for ourselves, our motives betray our attitudes. Thanks for sharing this post, and I pray you have an encouraging day!!
I think my kids would have the same list for me. They’ve pointed some of those out to me at times. Thank you for this encouragement to pour into our kids hearts, not drain them dry. Just what I needed today!
Praise the Lord there is grace for today–and everyday!
This was good! we as mothers do need to step back and evaluate what we communicate to our children and how.One thing I am working on is giving my daughter my full attention when she is talking to me instead of texting, checking email, etc. I am focusing on eing purposeful in all things this year and parenting is one of them. Thanks for sharing.
That is a wonderful goal, Aisha!
Good words I needed to hear today. I’m struggling over these very things. Nasty habits I’ve created in my life as we’ve walked this difficult road. I’ve failed to consider that these things provoke my children. I’m quick to remind them that their instructions are to obey/honor their parents. If only I was so quick to remember not to provoke my children (and it’s not an excuse if my children truly are being difficult). Thanks for the encouragement once again my dear friend. I’ll need to spend some additional time in prayer over this one today.
I will continue to pray for you, Linda, knowing that the Lord is at work, and will finish His work in your family. I will pray for your perseverance and diligence in pursuing to encourage and build your kids up, friend.
I am so exicted to have found this blog! I love this post and look forward to reading more, and linking up often with Gracelinked Mondays!
I found you on the Better Mom
Thanks so much for linking up, Misty, and for introducing yourself! I appreciate the encouragement!
Ruth this is great! I no longer have children at home but this is a great reminder to all of us how to encourage our husbands and those around us.
You’re so right, Kim. This really does apply to our relationship with our spouses too!
Thank you so much for writing this. I am not yet a biological mother, but my husband and I are the legal guardians of my little sister, Faith, who is eleven. I’m only 23, and feel like I’m trying to be a sister/mom all the time. I am definitely discouraging to her on a regular basis, but have been trying to become an encourager (my husband is great at this). It is good to hear that I’m not the only one who struggles with tone and attitude during the day. Being a full-time student, I sometimes justify my actions and words with excuses, but this was an awesome reminder that they are NOT valid excuses to discourage Faith.
Wow, Samantha, what a big task God has called you and your husband to. May he bless you and sustain you as you learn to grow into your special role with your sister, Faith. She is blessed to have an intentional sister like you.
So true Ruth. I think i”ve done all of the above to discourage my kids. I love your suggestions.
Thanks, Betty. It is good to know that we are not alone…and to know He indeed empowers us to change. Blessings to you!
Another beautiful, honest, and encouraging post. Thank you! I’m going to ask my children what I have done to discourage them and what makes them feel encouraged. Thinking I should ask my husband as well. Psalm 90:17 May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands.
Asking my kids was one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve done. I’ve asked my husband as well, and should do it again. It is good to be vulnerable and teachable in this way! Thanks so much for the encouraging comment, Mary Ann.
I so needed to read this today! I feel like I’ve been in a downward spiral for so long. Every night I feel pain and guilt over the way I’ve talked to/treated my children, and every morning I get up and immediately start making the same mistakes all over again. Yelling, demanding, eye-rolling, cutting them off, sighing dramatically when they “bother” me, always pointing out faults… a million things really. It’s easy too, to get caught up in believing the lie that I’m the only mom out there who makes these mistakes day in and day out. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone and that it’s not too late to do better.
Shelley, I so know where you’ve been and how desperate it can feel when the daily pattern is discouraging. Let me humbly encourage you to fall on His grace, and to lean heavy on His ability and forget your inability. We may often think that we can simply try harder, but as our words and attitudes reflect what’s in our hearts…coming to the Lord for truth and encouragement is always our starting point. You are not alone in your struggles. And…you can be confident that He who began a good work in you will indeed complete it.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, for taking the time to reply.
Ah Ruth,
Once again you write about what I’ve been working through! God has dealt with me to ask my daughter the same question & I haven’t done it yet. Unfortunatly, I think I know the list she will have for me. Thanks for the encouragement!
Joy
Oh Joy, it’s good to know that we are being sanctified in Christ through this season of motherhood! Praise God He is not through with us yet!
This morning I prayed for my kids to grow in the grace & knowledge of Jesus. But I think “mom” needs this prayer more than anybody else.! Thank you for this heart-felt reminder – I am guilty of almost every ‘discouraging’ element on your list. I want it to be the other way around! Help me grow, Jesus!
I think this all the time, Melissa….the reality that my own discouragement, failures, and need for greater growth all begins at the foot of the Cross…where we are being ever transformed into His likeness day by day. Yes, Lord, continue to work in us!
Ruth,
I seem to be following you.. I linked in to the person ahead of me and it was you again.
Lovely post on families.
Blessings,
Janis